Pick Up Your Cross

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 04:41:52 GMT

Oh to say "Your grace is sufficient."-oh to mean it and feel it, taste it and weigh it's truth. The difficulty is, it never seems to carry the whole weight of what it should. "Your grace AND..." I keep saying. "You grace is sufficient BUT.." No good.
God's grace, God's timing, God's way.
Not my desires, my timetable or my path.
His goodness, His perfection, His high way.

That is what He tells me, but it is so often not what I want to hear. Oh my heart, do not long for your own bumbling ways or your fallible, mortal schedule. Long instead for the beautiful mystery of God's path, for the lamp that lights the ground beneath your feet, but not every detail along the future path. Oh my mind, dwell not on these fragile shells of happiness or love, but cleave to God's promise of eternal joy, of completion and consummation of truth. Hold on my soul, your place is not here but far above. Look my eyes towards the heavens, that soul, heart, mind and someday body will follow.

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 08:43:36 GMT

Psalm 42:1-11 - Study Chapter - Click for Chapter Audio
Thirsting for God in Trouble and Exile.

For the choir director. A Maskil F372 of the sons of Korah.

1 As the deer pants F373 for the water brooks,

So my soul pants R1270 F373 for You, O God.

2 My soul thirsts R1271 for God, for the living R1272 God;

When shall I come and appear R1273 F374 before God?

3 My tears R1274 have been my food day and night,

While they say R1275 to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember and I pour R1276 out my soul within me.

For I used R1277 to go along with the throng and lead F375 them in procession to the house of God,

With the voice of joy R1278 and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

5 Why R1279 are you in R1280 F376 despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed R1281 within me?

Hope R1282 F377 in God, for I shall again F378 praise Him F379

For the help R1283 F380 of His presence.

6 O my God, my soul is in F381 despair within me;

Therefore I remember R1284 You from the R1285 land of the Jordan

And the peaks F382 of Hermon, R1286 from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;

All Your breakers R1287 and Your waves have rolled over me.

8 The LORD will command R1288 His lovingkindness in the daytime;

And His song will be with me in R1289 the night,

A prayer to the R1290 God of my life.

9 I will say to God my R1291 rock, "Why have You forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning R1292 because F383 of the oppression R1293 of the enemy?"

10 As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,

While they say R1294 to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

11 Why R1295 are you in F384 despair, O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?

Hope F385 in God, for I shall yet praise Him,

The help F386 of my countenance and my God.

who needs Word documents? I don't..they bore me.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 06:12:54 GMT

There once lived a most talented and yet most disliked painter. Gustav(for that was his name)had a talent unsurpassed by anyone in the land. His colors were vibrant, his brushstrokes smooth and his composition was precise. Anyone he painted, when passing by the canvas, would swear they looked at a reflection! And that was precisely Gustav's problem.
It was the custom of the time(and is in some part still today) to...modify...the image of those people who sat for paintings. Honking, cherry noses were brushed onto the canvas as smooth and powdered; wigs were piled just a little higher and silk made a bit more opulent; decaying teeth were replaced with a beautiful, pearly grin. But Gustav...
"Red," he muttered to himself as he pulled back his brush and squinted. He growled more audibly to his nervous wreck of an assistant.
"More red, Henri!" The pale, mustached man jumped three feet at his name and flittered off towards the back table littered with bottles of this powder and that, linseed oil, horsehair brushes and palettes crusted with the last project's creative residue. The woman posing for the portrait sat in an over-upholstered chair looking very pleased with herself: she carefully kept in mind her status, her eye-lids drooping half-closed and yet made every effort to show her benevolence and grace by painfully curling up a corner of her mouth into a withered attempt at a smile. She held tightly to the wrist of a young girl, who might have looked sweet if it hadn't have been for the fashionably monstrous collar that was turning her rosy cheeks to a pale purple.
"Alexandria-Marie, stop squirming!" said the woman through her gritted smile.
CRASH!
"Henri..." moanded Gustav. "Nevermind, I'll mix it myself." He strode to the table at the back of the room, where sunlight was making a beacon out of the swirling dust.(For in those days, you didn't have tubes of paint like we do now. You made it, you see, by mixing different colored powders from leaves and flowers and things with oil.)
The woman in the chair cleared her throat and said, fluttering her eyelashes,
"Pardon me, monsieur, but I was wondering...you keep asking for red paint." Here she paused to let out a falsely modest giggle "...and perhaps I'm just silly, but we ARE wearing green silk imported Parisian dresses...and sitting in blue very expensive, very Italian brocade chairs with gold insets...what need do you have for all this red?"
"Oh," said Gustav looking up from his mixing. "It's for that raised sore on your chin. I'm perfecting the gleam."
The woman gasped as her brows furrowed angrily and the curl of her lip bent downwards in a snarl. No one dared to cry out if her ladyship stepped on your toes in fear of offending her, let alone actually point out a fault. She stormed angrily over to the easel to see what else had been painted.
"I look...snobbish! And Alexandria-Marie looks...purple!"
Alexandria-Marie gagged agreeingly from the floor.

to be continued?

The Last High School Football Game

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 06:49:07 GMT

There's a friendly, biting wind
that draws us all close to one another
as the wind carries our cheers across the field
and far beyond to who knows where.
Soon they will be echoes and ghosts,
those voices' calls, sailing on the wind.
The breeze carries them to the past,
swiftly, deftly, before we know it
They are gone.

Yet something beyond our chattering teeth
and rosy cheeks, the sea of fleece and scarves,
something beyond the cold draws us near.
I call you brother, I call you friend
not because we agree all the time
not because we are going in the same direction
not even because we have spoken, or exhanged more than a nod in the hall
We are all of us one
in that we face the great unknown.

We both know that even should we meet again,
perhaps in these same chilled metal memory-holders,
it will never be the same as the pure,
untarnished moment of Now.
The Now before the Somedays and the
good-to-see-you-agains and the perhaps true, perhaps false smiles.
For now, my friends, we are in a Snapshot of potential, of possibility,
to be developed in bittersweet, future-weaving chemicals
to be remembered and looked upon when dried,
framed and hung in the hall of our memories.
We can be anyone, go anywhere, do anything.
Not change a bit or turn our lives around.
I wonder...would we recognize ourselves 10 years from now? Would the me in the Now understand the choices I will make in the Someday?

It stole upon us seamlessly, this good-bye
It is only one of many yet to come.
A good-bye of the things we know and the people we smile at
A good-bye of the things we've built up for ourselves and the traditions we are comfortable with.
I stand with you all in the first of the lasts, the beginning of an end...
and as the scoreboard is running down the time,
I think not that we've lost
but that we've won.
Won the first game of our future by leaving the last of our pasts
Ended the season, but begun a new one.

An idealist? perhaps. A sentimentalist? Most definatly.
But I will always remember this beginning of end,
this taste of the future, the faint odor of farewell
all mingled with the grass and the funnel cake and the cold bleacher metal.
And the clock runs down...

Psalm of a Broken Heart

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 04:32:34 GMT

Passing glance at Past, the dance
of time, leaves me aghast,
at rhymes and laughs and chimes.
And France. Oh France.

It's trying to be tried, and true,
I know its what change has to do
Dumb photo frames, take all the blame!
For strife. This strife.

And honesty is honestly, the hardest thing
I've ever done
When all I've known is overrun, by what I long to be
Become. I'm coming.

The aftermath that aftermonths, I'd finally know
the hurt at once.
The photographs, the echoed laughs, of how things used to be
To be. Or. Not

..a cause of my regret because, I know
it was the best, a test,
the choice was made, the price is paid
Regret. None yet.

Lord, polaroids are wholly void,yet
I pretend that I depend on
other things like hugs and rings.
I'm dumb whenI'm alone.
Alone?

Reminiscing, Yes, I'm missing
the point: the years may always
bring some tears and ways may part
the mind and heart

But joy is deep, blest those who weep
Stumbling and bumbling, so humbling,
this fool has found
her way.
Is Yours. Your way

All I've ever known is what I've given You.
All I want to know is you've forgiven me.
I'm sorry.

Anglo-Saxon Poem

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 03:07:40 GMT

So I was trying to think of what to do for my anglo-saxon poem, but I kind of want to do something semi-serious. Nevertheless, I came up with some things that would be very amusing if done in anglo-saxon style(because melodrama + non-vital issue = humorous). So here I am, sharing my ideas with you good people, competely encouraging that if you should find any idea amusing, please run with it and make it your own. Maybe this will help a couple writing blocks. Enjoy~

Anglo-Saxon possibilities:

*you vs. the SAT's
*turning onto a street and beholding the latest gas prices
*you vs. college apps
*applying for financial aid
*Karen vs. procrastination
*you vs. senioritis
*you fighting to stay awake in class
*attempting to read Uncle Tom's Cabin or Grape's of Wrath

That's my list so far. Anyone got some add-ons?

Not-So-Fiennes

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 06:25:15 GMT

After all these months, I just arbitrarily being to write in my live journal again? No sense whatsoever. Trivial matters too. Maybe I just need relief from dealing with too many non-trivial matters.

I've discovered the most over-rated movie ever made:
The English Patient

You hear all these things blah blah English Patient, I cried blah blah Oscars blah..ao I finally decided I'd rent it. Plus, hey, I like Ralph Fiennes(pronounced Rafe Fines).

It aimed for compelling, and ended up as confusing. It actually assumed the audience would be able to keep up with...hold on...let me get the official imdb count...TWO HOURS AND FORTY MINUTES of intensity with NO comic relief.Dont get me wrong I LOVE intense...when it's done well and pieced together in a logical fashion There was no romance, just lust. ABSTRACT story line. It was almost like they made a movie just so people could brag about crying over(which I most certainly did NOT). Anyways, I'm disappointed. I expected much better...HOW DID THIS WIN 9 OSCARS??

And there's Michelle's movie review of randomness. Don't rent it. Don't believe what you hear. It's mediocre at best.

Not that anyone I know is really running out go rent it anyways. Maybe Josh. lol Just Kidding! Don't worry Cecilee, I've intercepted him en route I'm sure.

Um. hm. yes. bed time.

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 00:37:27 GMT

Mmmkkay..maybe this time it will work

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a140/crossexamine/daisygreenlight.jpg

crummy English project. newfangled live journal. rawr.

English

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 00:33:56 GMT

So I'm putting this up for a split second so I can show Karen. but chances are I might be too lazy to take it down. here's my crappy English project. grrr. it looked much better three hours ago.

[IMG]http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a140/crossexamine/daisygreenlight.jpg[/IMG]

Guess who

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 06:27:00 GMT

I Tim Burtonized a teacher. guess which one! In good fun,its not a ridicule in ANY sense. I love this guy!

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a140/crossexamine/weitzel.jpg

HAHAHA

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 20:52:37 GMT

*blows dust off of live journal* wowsa! I've posted often really...anyways AMAZING pics of when I was little LOL. I'm trying to figure out newfangled photobucket...I'll practice with my senior portrait

Eh, could be worse. THis is just my proof too. Hopefully they'll digital me up.

So, Here comes the montages of pics when I was a youngin'. I'll start with the least embarassings ones first.

I'm a lady bug! lol and that's my dad, obviously. With black hair!

Me kissing my sister. We're so cute! aw. I like this pic

MY birthday party. From left to right, Christina Sprouse, Joanna Wong, Me, Meagan, Maggie Stanley and Laurel Hartz. Excellent!! We're SO hot.

Me singing in King's Chorus. Look for the Harry Potter kid. That's me. lol And On my right hand side...Liz!!!

Again, singing. Looking very intense. Lol I was a dork. WEll. Am a dork.

Tiff's the one yawning really big and I'm in the foreground. Just look for the specs. lol

Me as a ribbon candy

ANDTHE BEST
I"VE SAVED FOR LAST
ME
AS
THE DEMONIC
RIBBON CANDY
RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCELLENT! I hope you enjoyed laughter at my expense. Amazing no?

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 21:42:42 GMT

Lov3Potion9: man you know what I just realized while watching this
JACrabb091: hm?
Lov3Potion9: it's all fig leaves to God. LOL.
Lov3Potion9: We must seems sooooooooooooo dumb caring so much about clothes
JACrabb091: yep
JACrabb091: good observance.
Lov3Potion9: its just kind of ironic
Lov3Potion9: to picture everything as fig leaves
Lov3Potion9: well clothes anyway
JACrabb091: yeah
Lov3Potion9: like man I bought the CUTEST fig dress today!
Lov3Potion9: 20% off!
JACrabb091: haha.
JACrabb091: "well, my mom went out back and picked the coolest leaves. she said she'll make me a dress when she's done with her work"
Lov3Potion9: J.C. Figleaves. Abercrombie and Fig. Fig Topic
JACrabb091: haha. L.L. Fig, Fig Crew, The FIG
Lov3Potion9: Fig Farm
JACrabb091: haha
Lov3Potion9: Figister.

To Be Set Apart

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 04:31:40 GMT

Romans 12:1 "Therefore, do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the reknewing of your mind"

It doesn't say fit the mold, say the right thing, tell someone what they want to hear or shrug it off. it says Do not be conformed. No pretty please, no if you want to, DO NOT. Theres a whole list of those in the Bible, specifically in Exodus, and they mean STOP!! DON"T DO IT ITS DANGEROUS! They are God's warning signs. Don't be conformed to the pattern of this world. let it go. whatever it is that is holding you down to this world. what takes up your time and your thoughts? is it movies? music? BOOKS *heh* DROP IT RIGHT NOW. Don't look back, just stop doing it. even if its only for a day to figure out why it's holding you back from God. Don't be conformed, don't give in. I need to learn that lessons too. I have a few old CD's to smash. I wish I had never listened to them. I have One Good Book to read and a billion I wish I hadn't wasted precious time on. You could die tommorow. Are you ready?

Silent Night

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 23:24:23 GMT

What Child is this? Born that I might live, born that he could die
Such great love is this, humblest gift I give, take up my life

Struggling

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 07:55:25 GMT

I'm struggling. I speak a lot about life and thoughts and God...but I've been neglecting more personal things without realizing. So there it is, I'm struggling. With myself and my dreams and my hopes and my concerns for the future. Feeling like a hypocrite, feeling like God isn't using me at all, knowing that the biggest obstacle that keeps me from soaring like an eagle is the brick I tie around my own foot. My tongue his hurtful and my thoughts are arrogant. And I try...and I fail...to keep them under control. And I pray, but still I do not do what I want to do, like in Romans 10. Rip open my shirt, there's a scarlet "P" for Pharisee. This is my struggle, these are my burdens, this is the girl that God calls His own, in His infinite mercy. How? I'll never know.

Wood

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 06:46:22 GMT

Do you think Jesus smelled like wood? Whenever I go into woodship, I love that freshly cut lumber smell that kind of hangs in the air. It's so clean and wholesome, and yet entirely earthy. Everyone has a certain "smell". You can tell when someone has borrowed your clothes, or when you borrow one of theirs. Wood. I wonder if that's what Jesus smelled like. The lingering carpenter smell when he touched a brow or held a little child in his arms. Woodsy scents that made Mary cry as she folded up his robes in the longest three days of her life. A smell that only the metallic scent of blood could cover, and even then, not completely. The smell that the women expected to be replaced when they entered the tomb on the third day, and the same smell that lingers around every embrace of every disciple. I wonder..I wonder if heaven doesn't have a teeny whiff of fresh cut wood floating through the air...

Skin Deep

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:10:55 GMT

Wow... I haven't written in a long time...on that note

I didn't know quite what to think, in that awkward silence that's in every elevator group. For a split-second you always wonder who or what the people around you are, and maybe even enjoy a small laugh together or joke. Enough of that, the doors slide open two floors and a blinking light later. I hate the too-clean smell. I hate how the carpets are impossibly spotless and the fluorescent lights spazz out every minute or so. And now into the door with the name on it. You're kidding me. Apricot carpet, space-age looking white chairs and one of those nifty wall fountains..except it's not even working. Waiting rooms are the worst. There's two other people sitting in this movie set of a room. And there's a matching Jetsons-esque table and it is covered in magazines. This is a set-up. I won't give in to a standard. People magazine, Glamour, all those magazines with half naked women and half moral standards. They want me to feel self-conscious. Whose they? I return to my John Piper book until my name is called. All of four steps later, I'm sitting on a piece of butcher paper in a chair that looks like it has 68 hidden gadgets. Doesn't sitting on butcher paper make you feel stupid? If I were a dermatoligist, I'd put wrapping paper all over the chairs. The nurse comes in. My goodness, her grammar is awful. "How long have you been like that?" Like what? It's just my face, I'm not a monster. I was almost tempted to care about what I looked like at that moment. No way! The real dermatoligist comes in. He lifted up my bangs with a wooden dowel. I wanted to laugh. Does he think he'll contract something from my deadly looking bangs? He clicked his tongue the way you do when you're solving a math problem. I was waiting for a giant microscope slide to come crashing down. He gave me some lotion and told me to wear sunscreen and patted my head. okay, so not the last part. I resisted!I wanted to ask the good doctor if he ever met any people with what he did, or just skin. Skin deep, that's all this world is. We observe and we note and we judge, and we care not. Only God truly shows us to look beyond and only God knows that beneath every perfect complexion is a marred heart that only He, and no cream, can fix. Well, that's what I learned. All from a dermatologists appointment. Impressive, huh? Dont forget what goes deeper than the skin.

I'm still alive, really

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 22:39:51 GMT

It's been a long time since I've written anything in this journal, but I've learned so much its kind of hard to sum it all up. God is good. Totally, wonderfully and amazingly so.

It is Well.

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 08:18:32 GMT

No, we don't understand. I dont have any more answers than any of you. Why Nick Roth, Lord? Because. But Why now? Because. That is all there is. I know, it hurts. God's sovereignty is way beyond comprehension. It doesn't seem fair does it. This deep slashing pain in all of our hearts. But it is God's ultimate plan. That is the ONLY way to get through this, you guys. Lean into God's mercy, hold onto his promises for us, cry on His shoulder. He listens way better than anyone. remember, always remember the shortest and most impactful Bible verse. "Jesus Wept" He knows your pain, he knows what it is to be human, but he's also infinatly more.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed Be Your Name

The day the world stopped turning

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 19:23:42 GMT

3 years ago, on a sunny morning in New York,and while most of us were still asleep, the world stopped turning. We're tragically immune to seeing destruction flash over our televisions, but this time, it was different. Deep down each of us new from the moment it was identified as an airplane that crashed into the Trade Center building, something was not right. I cant recall how long it took for the towers to be hit, until they seemed to just crumble into a huge pile of ash and debree. Lives crumbled with them, families went up in smoke, dreams crashed thundering to the ground. Somewhere amidst the shrapnel was our sheltered idea that America was unpenetrable. We sing the Star Spangled Banner, but we often forget what makes the song so moving is the fact that the flag had bullet holes in it. have you ever seen a picture of the flag that flew over Fort McArthur? It's really not that beautiful, unless you know what it had to go through and what it stands for. Much like freedom. I know I take it for granted every moment of every day. and I take this time to thank God that we are free, that we have a President who fights for that freedom and brave men and women who die for it.

School Days

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 04:07:06 GMT

Things I hope to learn this year:

1. AP French 4 - The amazing fact that God transcends all language barriers even though I have harder time...
2. American Lit. (English 11) - How the written word can be so impactful and how God's word is amazing literary wise as well as content.
3. AP US History - The way God is with our country when we follow him, and how it has changed through the ages
4. Psychology - To worship God with all myheart and MIND, to try and better understand emotions and thus better evangelize and appeal to diff. people.
5. Ceramics - To finally try and understand the analogy of God as the potter and we are the clay through hands on experience
6. Biology - That I am fearfully and wonderfully made and the beauty and complexity of God's creation
7. Religion - the book of Ephesians and the way four major world religions affect society and how to understand and debate them.

This is what I want to go into the school year thinking. School is supposed to be just an extension of our worship of God. I dont want to complain this year, cause I'm lucky, so lucky.Help me out! if you hear me complaining just say "your lj" so I'll remember.

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 01:13:39 GMT

1 I said, ";I will guard my ways
so that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth with a muzzle
as long as the wicked are in my presence."; 2 I was speechless and quiet;
I kept silent, even from [speaking] good,
and my pain intensified. 3 My heart grew hot within me;
as I mused, a fire burned.
I spoke with my tongue: 4 ";Lord, reveal to me the end of my life
and the number of my days.
Let me know how transitory I am. 5 You, indeed, have made my days short in length,
and my life span as nothing in Your sight.
Yes, every mortal man is only a vapor. Selah 6 Certainly, man walks about like a mere shadow.
Indeed, they frantically rush around in vain,
gathering possessions
without knowing who will get them.

7 ";Now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You. 8 Deliver me from all my transgressions;
do not make me the taunt of fools. 9 I am speechless; I do not open my mouth
because of what You have done. 10 Remove Your torment from me;
I fade away because of the force of Your hand. 11 You discipline a man with punishment for sin,
consuming like a moth what is precious to him;
every man is a mere vapor. Selah 12 ";Hear my prayer, Lord,
and listen to my cry for help;
do not be silent at my tears.
For I am a foreigner residing with You,
a sojourner like all my fathers. 13 Turn Your angry gaze from me
so that I may be cheered up
before I die and am gone.";

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Worship Song

Mon, 06 Sep 2004 04:56:52 GMT

Where eternity starts, where infinity ends
Is where I find you Lord, where I dont comprehend
Your arms are strong, more powerful than all
You could catch us Lord, but you have to let us fall
And I could never grasp you Lord, but I can grasp your hand

I, I will never understand
But I know, I know, it's in your plan
So I cover my feet and I lift my hands
And with my wings will soar to whatever land
You are King of Kings, the great I am
You Are Holy Lord

Questions

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 09:15:48 GMT

This lj isn't just a place for me to blurb opinions. I want your guys' questions!!! Let's talk about God. I dont wanna talk about anything else. Not song lyrics (unless they're about God of cousre), not polos none of that! come on..I know you have questions..and comments..bring em! I'll try and answer best Ic an, and if I dont know, I'll research till I find out! I fyou dont have a question, I'll start by asking you one. What's the biggest thing that God has ever done in your life?

Stars

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 21:32:27 GMT

Phillipians 2:14, 15 "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe"

You know the beauty of stars? There is nothing impure about their light. It is not the blue glow of cell phones at a football stadium or the flicker of lighters at some concert. Its just pure, white light; a pinprick of hope in a dark, darky sky. Not just a sky. It's one in an unmeasurabley massive universe. That doesn't stop it from shining, though. The darkness that tries to consume it makes it glow even brighter. Some people look up to the stars when theres no other way to know they're direction, and by that they see where to go. God make me a star: I'm so full of faults, but I know if you let your light shine through me, something might happen.